Humans are Highly Programmable.
The Broken Child
How to deprogram ourselves from self loathing to self love
TV brainwashes us from an early age. Our caregivers, being brainwashed themselves, programmed, and controlled by the powers that be pass on to us their low self worth and shame based programming. Along with the crime and punishment indoctrinations. Child abuse is for our own good and when we turn 18 beatings go from being for our own good into “domestic violence”…go figure.
Once shame is instilled, (we are programmed to be VERY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE WORD “SHAME”) and we know we must become someone other than our true WRONG/BAD self, this opens us up for MORE thorough and intensive programming by the elite and their ingenious methods of control by predictive programming of the masses. This is all done at the subconscious level. It takes alot of work to see our own programming but it is possible.
What I want to show you here is my revelations of self in recovery. I wrote this before I realized I was programmed to become self loathing and an addict. I went through stages of self realization. The very first epiphany of self that I experienced was me covering pain/hurt/and fear with laughter and a smile. Sounds sick huh? Well it was VERY SICK. I had no fucking idea who I was or what I was doing, or what was being done to me. This self awareness came in stages because to see it all at once would have been too overwhelming. I never would have believed I was programmed in the beginning of my self discovery.
Every addict has one thing in common, self punishment. Until we figure out and heal from whatever it is we feel we must punish ourselves for our addiction will remain a mystery. Clearly those who punish themselves must in some subconscious way feel they can beat themselves to a point of rendering their identity clean and clear from self loathing once again.
However, to spank myself into doing better doesn’t work for addiction. It is a sick attempt at getting well. It’s an attempt which is seldom realized by the self punisher. Obviously its a concept from my crime and punishment (spankings) at a young age. While the addict is in this state of self punishment we also project our punishing onto those around us, often those we love most.
In The Beginning
My answer to the question “what was I numbing when I was using drugs and alcohol addictively?”
I had to numb my fear, shame, and intense feeling of inferiority.
For me, at a young age I was taught (in so many words and lessons)
that the whole world of people were all superior to me in every way. And that everything about me was wrong both inside and out. Therefore, I had to hide my
identity so no one would see how bad and wrong I was. Of course I had no idea of this at the time.
It took years of work to understand the emotional inner workings of my subconscious.
And so with this stark, devastating truth of who and what I was (inferior) I had to shut down and transform into someone else.
I (my true heart) became a prisoner in my own
mind always living/acting as status quos dictated, trying to be someone else. I was sold a bill
of goods and commenced to live up to what I was sold.
My Repressed Broken Heart Infected My Whole Body
My heart was broken because of the broken self-identity I was spoon fed. My heart was broken
because I lost myself in finding out that I was wrong and bad. I shut myself down.
My Inner Dialogue Was to Gaslight Myself With Criticism.
Even the feelings, especially the feelings I so badly needed
to share, to express turned to poison inside me. My false identity of never expressing my heart,
never sharing my soul stocked up poison in my body and mind. Every tear
I didn’t cry. Every dream I didn’t share, every denial of my inner man that I shut down in shame
made me sicker and sicker…I nearly died so many times.
I was created as a beautiful child full of Love and Hope. Now I only hated myself for who I was.
Search for Solutions to a Broken Identity
This sets the stage for all the mass dysfunction. (2019 update: what this really set the stage for is more intensive programming based in TV media caricatures who the masses parrot, hence copycat programming for the downtrodden masses.) The sick codependent behaviors, the desperation for
Love and the idea that Love must be accompanied with abuse, neglect, criticism, and belittling was
My sick and Desperate Coping Skills
Desperate to be accepted my low self-worth expected to be disrespected and abused.
Starting the day in such an inferior place allows the world to walk all over me because in my
heart, I am always, undeniably the one who is wrong/bad in any controversial situation. No wonder I hated facing disagreements of any kind.
Sarcasm and constant emotional defense were my bedfellows. I was cocked to defend that I was no the bad wrong person my own heart believed I was.
And of course, those I was drawn to were like me, ashamed and scared. We grouped together grasping
for friendship and relationships with no ability to communicate on an honest level. How could we?
How could we be true and tell our true feelings when we were all so twisted up with shame?
The Blame Game Was Our Comforter
And of course, there was the typical relief of “blame” to comfort us. As we set ourselves up for
abuse, we taught others how to treat us.
God doesn’t make junk!
But deep down inside most of us hiding from sight was a precious commodity. Inside me was
something more valuable than gold, silver, pearls or security. A pearl inside a clay pot the bible used to read of it.
Deep inside all of us scared little children was a true spiritual God given heart of hearts still alive and beating
waiting to be set free.
Could I Change?
In every man (kind) is the Divine presense of God. A heart that would someday become courageous enough to allow itself
to shine. We had the key to our own freedom. I had the key to unlock my heart and soul
from its bondage. I just had to be shone the way and the how to do it.
Not only was I oppressed under my own thumb most of my adult life, as programmed. I also had the key to unlocking the chains of my bondage.
“Him who The Son sets free is free indeed.”
We addicts experience the depths of hell on Earth. And sure, we learned blame, attack, and very sick abusive relationships. After all-though little did I know at the time by my father taught me what
Love was. He showed me what Love was by violence.
“I spank you because I Love you”?
Love was sick. Very very, sick. And Love was pain laced with passionate fear. I needed to be beaten he taught me this. I deserved to be spanked by a large man as a small little girl.
Violence was good for me, I was told. (then magically at the age of 18 that same violence
You can see why women stay in violent relationship defending their spouse. That is their programming. That is their Love. It’s harder to change than one may think.
So at 18 hitting a woman becomes illegal, and labelled, domestic violence, right okay, sure, makes perfect FUCKING SENSE!)
My father didn’t sexually abuse me, that I can remember. But he made sure to teach me that I was garbage.
Once I fully understood how spankings affected me as an emotional adult, it took me a good two years of processing before I could forgive and understand that my Dad was also programmed with shame and violence.
Even though I myself had the sense not to beat my own small child thank God. We are so fucking brainwashed intensively to think we have to resort to any kind of violence toward small children, its diabolical and absolutely evil for an adult to ever hit in any way, a child, PERIOD. Please wake up!
Time Takes Time
My father issues were the last of my emotional issues to surface at seven years sober that needed processed out by expression, relating/empathy and sharing, Until then with selective amnesia
I swore I had a wonderful and normal childhood up until I realized I was traumatized repeatedly. It took years of meditation and therapy to
give me the courage to look at my childhood in an objective way.
I blindly covered for my father by blinding myself with Love for him. It was a love paradigm that was very hard to finally look at and it crashed and crumbled as I saw the relationship in a true light. Most people will never address these issues in their life but they are at the root of our blindness and emotional sickness.
My brother will still parrot the words “I need spankings” as he carried on the tradition of violence with his own children. His wife bitterly objected and protected the children.
The teenage years
We grew up quick in those teenage years. We used our sexuality to our advantage. Vanity & false pride were my only self worth.
I had my own set of survival skills. I handed over my power to a lover
to make my choices for me. Just so I could snatch it back and watch the controlling dance partner squirm and retaliate. (subconsciously)
We in addiction survived any way we could emotionally. We became versed in sick emotions by processes of
control, denial, and vanity.
I myself learned how to RUN LIKE HELL when things got sticky. Long term Loving relationships were impossible at
the time. So I settled for lust, ego stroking, and found my self-esteem in a bottle and by sensual and sexual endeavors I found my only value.
Instant gratification was a way of life. This was Satan’s call and I went for it hook line and sinker.
The Key to the Mystery of Addiction is this
When someone like me takes their first drug…the emotional pain is so intense that the relief comes just as intense. No pain, no relief. It’s that simple. When an emotionally broken human uses drugs they get the only spectacular feelings (besides sex) that they know. The victim will chase that same feeling to his grave. Problem is the drugs eventually stop working. Then the addict has to once again FACE HIMSELF & the pain.
Turning Into a Maneater in my 20s
The guilt from my behavior piled up. Now I moved from child victim to adult predator.
I would do anything to not feel. I o-d-ed several times and died at least once. I had to have a steady flow of cash and
drugs to feed my intense pain and to keep hiding away the shame of my immorality. I MUST NOT FEEL!
FEELINGS WERE MY NEMESIS. FEELINGS SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. FEELINGS WERE THE ENEMY, SO I HAD
TO STOP THEM AT ANY COST.
Battered and torn was I. “Who would deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to The Lord Jesus Christ” I discovered my Loving Higher Power.
Fields of Destruction
My Beloved White Light Experience
For the whole white light experience go to the link in my book Paradise for the Hellbound.
The Story Turns and the child of death finds her Savior by seeking God relentlessly I finally found Him.
I searched high and low for a way out till I stumbled upon a little church in the meadow
where I was given the key to Love, light and Life.
It was a miracle. I was changed and stopped using drugs and alcohol over night, for years just by
one prayer circle of 5 or 6 people praying for my deliverance in the name of Jesus with the laying on of hands. It’s a Bible thing. Jesus was the one who answered my call so Jesus became my Higher Power why in the hell would ever change the name of the only Savior who has ever given a shit about me enough to change my very heart and soul.
Now many follow the leader Christians call Him Yashua, which means Joshua in Hebrew not Jesus wtf? Anyway Jesus answered my desperate call so why would I turn from Him in name by changing it? I later realized I had been given a baptism called the Holy Spirit. The Love and Joy I felt
in that church is far beyond words can ever express. I went in as a sick loveless heroin addict and came out
a renewed spirit with a natural gift of sobriety and sanity. Much like Bill W speaks of in his own white light experience in a hospital bed. Although I later found out he was on certain hallucinogens/belladonna and other drugs that may have invoked a false white light idk, idk.
After Years of Straight of Recovery I Turned to the Prodigal Son’s Intrepid Dangerous Walk
My story is long and hard. I slipped and faltered again and again once my pink cloud finally faded years later. I
had no emotional tools. I had no coping skills. I had more to learn about recovery and emotions and so feeling tore through me once again several years after my white light experience. The programming was too strong, i still saw myself as a failure. I still believed the lie that I was bad and wrong at the base of my skull. Jesus had not replaced all of my dysfunction but He did change me for life so I could learn and grow into self love. But not before another horrible relapse into addiction and old behavior. The guilt when I relapsed was profound because now
I knew I was turning my back on God. Somehow I had expected to repay God for the gift He had bestowed on me in that church and the joy he had given me. In my dysfunction I thought I could pay Him back cause I owed Him, by my behavior and obedience. I had rooted my spirituality in a human and carnal concept of “strings attached” or conditional Love. It didn’t mesh. God showed me His Grace was sufficient for me when He once again pulled me out of my deep dark ten year long relapse into HELL.
I Tried & Failed To Pay God Back I Finally Learned to Rely on God and Accept my Human Condition as well.
You see the concept of a free gift with no strings attached was something I was incapable of understanding in the carnal mind.
Once again I had been way too hard on myself. My relationship with God was skewed by my own sick past. What I expected from me was perfection and to do for & payGod back by benevolance. Rather than relying on God. I expected myself to maintain my sobriety after God had delivered me. I was incapable of doing something
I had never been taught or shown how to do…to stay sober and learn what to do with my fear and
Long story short…I ended up a broken born-again crack head locked up for 60 days in jail so
my life could once again be saved by Grace. I went to rehab. Did a year of group trauma and recovery therapy that taught me how to learn and grow in self Love. I learned coping skills in AA and built self worth by doing steps 11 and 12 religiously for seven years straight. Step 11 is prayer and meditation in Christ and step 12 is service work. I told my story to addicts everywhere, over and over. This helped me process my emotions and walk through fear, exerting courage and building public speaking skills that blossomed into high self esteem. It was magic. (Update: It was DE-programming) I did daily positive affirmations with my prayer going over every good thing that I was engaging in recently. (update: With positive affirmations I built new neural pathways in my brain of high self worth rhythms.) We simply must learn to talk to ourselves with respect, honor, and fullness of worth to recover.
We get back up after falling down
I buried myself in the program and steps. Became a AA Big Book thumper. I did
years of service work. I learned every coping skill known to man. I processed every core issue
from my neglectful and abusive childhood. I because courageous as I began to show people
my true heart.
I gained strength and I gain knowledge. I learned how to communicate on an honest level. It was
scary as hell!
“Walk through the fear” I told myself. “Walk through the fear”. We are as sick as our secrets
and I let every shame driven secret out of my heart. I made a God box and wrote down my fears
whenever they cropped up. I did the steps over and over. My fifth step was full and 50 pages.
The “I” turns into a “We”. It’s a “we” program.
I had sponsors and a support group. We learned how to express our deepest pains in a healthy and
freeing way by everything from writing, to sharing, to beating a punching bag, burning the pages
of our many fifth steps. I learned to trust. I learned to respect myself and to command, by my
actions, respect from others.
I learned to meditate and pray. How to use the cell phone to talk through with my sisters the
many emotional triggers that a relationship brought. Me and my recovery sisters did the forbidden,
we got into relaitonships in our first year…but they workded. And they are still working 12 years
later. Why? We learned to communicate and not speak out of anger but to call each other
and to take every little emotional event into our support group. We learned to live and grow
emotionally as if we were 11 years old. We became teachable as little children.
Relationships before the first year
Yes our therapist told us…”No one I have had in my group therapy who got in early relationships
have stayed sober.” But we had something they didn’t, we had each other. We literally lived
parallel lives the three of us women.
All this had to be orchestrated by God. Prayer is the first step to a successful recovery.
12 years is not thirty years but it is a good bit of time. My spiritual experience changed
my heart forever. The therapy changed my heart and mind as well. And AA was the perfect platform
to grow my self worth one step 12 at a time.
I started a successful business. Bought and paid for my first brand new car. I raised my
daughter and made amends to her. I am in a long term relationship with a man I love and is
my partner. He had seven years sober when we met. Now he has around 20 years sober. I can’t
take too much credit here, we are so compatible that we have an edge.
But the first three years of relearning what a relationship is and not acting out in old behavior
literally felt like peeling off my own skin one layer at a time. They call our growth in AA
“peeling the onion” but it’s more like losing your skin.
If you have a support group you can do it. I wrote book when I was in my more religious phase
of development: http://www.recoveryfarmhouse.net/bible/paradise-for-the-hellbound/
The precepts of the book are still true today although my views and ideas about the Bible have
changed. My faith however will not change because in that church I was shown that God Is. And
that God Is Love and Loves me. The rest is semantics.
A purpose at all times
I have found that having a purpose and goals are vital in life. Set goals. Have purpose.
The end product of the goal isn’t nearly as important as just having one in sight.
Emotional outlets are vival. We must have at least one person we can tell anything.
The 12 steps need to be worked at a core level not leaving out fear and shame.
I love my self and my life. I want to live. I had to relearn how to eat. There are many, many
poison foods on the shelf of the store, if it were not so I would not tell you it. Every man
should research food in depth.
We should learn to recognize our negative voice inside and when it flares up we don’t fight
with it but rather we ask ourselves; “what am I afraid of”?
Do I fear loss? Do I fear not getting what I want? I should be aware of my social fears. I
should be hyper aware of my fears of loss associated with my relationships. In recovery
I should know myself inside out and finally…not degrade the addict but rather accept her
as the wounded child that she was. And accept her as the angry critical, blamer that she
had become. Then she can be nursed back to health with empathy and care.
I use step eleven to give myself positive affirmations. “What have I done good today? I say
as I remind myself that I AM a good person.
I am vigilant to keep my relationship with God burning as a flame that warms my soul. Without
God none of this is possible. He is the author of all things good.
I don’t pretend to be humble by putting myself down. That would be false. I don’t lie about
my good qualities and say I have none…I have many.
I also start the day from a platform of being informed of how I was, and that I am human. I am
not perfect so I watch for mistakes.
I finally accept that God made me an imperfect vessel to carry a sacred gift of light and life
inside. I respect my vessel, but I am light and will live on.
I need not pretend to still be sick nor do I need meetings to stay sober. (please I am not dissing AA by saying this) I am free from addiction.
My task in recovery and life is to maintain emotional health. Grave emotional disorder was my malady. Therefore learning
how to maintain healthy emotions and a spiritual connection once they are achieved is what keeps me sober and in
a peaceful state of mind and body. Peace is the commodity that I so desperately needed.
Keeping the “I am sick” mentality is helpful for a time. Addicts tend to forget that they
need guidance and counsel for years before they can walk on their own. If I need a meeting for
various reasons like fellowship, to get something off my chest, and to feel a part of I will go.
But no, I don’t NEED meetings anymore to stay sober. And neither does AA teach eternal meetings
as part of its program.
CLEARLY if you don’t heal by working on core issues, well, then you will need meetings the
rest of your life. If you don’t learn to work the steps in a way that they maintain your
emotional condition then yes, you will always need meetings to stay sober.
What I am saying is today I have a choice. I am not powerless. I have recovered because now
I HAVE NO REASON TO DRINK. If someone dies or I have an emotional time I will use meetings to
get through it.
And please…the program is free. We don’t owe AA our service forever either. Don’t fall for
the guilt status quo. By the same token if you don’t do years of step 12 in jails, institutions
detox and rehabs telling your story you WILL NOT GAIN THE SELF CONFIDENCE THAT YOU NEED. Unless y
you get it some other way in a similar form
Also telling your story in a heartfelt and honest way will help you process the core pain and
trauma of your addicted life. It will help you realize how far you have come.
Be sure to take step nine seriously. Step eleven is forever. Never stop step eleven.
Never stop step 10 but don’t use it to condemn yourself. You don’t have the right to condemn
The secret to freedom and the maintaining of emotional health is wrapped up in the statement
as you share it aloud. “What happened and how it made me feel.”
The is a magic that follows sharing our most intense feelings in a healthy and loving way with an empathic listener.
Life is full of “what happened and how it made me feel”. If you’re a woman or a man learn to define
your feelings so you can express them intelligibly.
Words like “weird” and “uncomfortable” are
veg. The more accurately we can express our feelings the more relief we will get when we
share them with a good listener who shows they relate to us.
Be a good listener as well. Mirror, validate, and show care when a man shares his deepest inner 5th step feelings and secrets. Never even tell somehow how they should feel. Nor should we tell our own heart by our intellect how it should feel.
Always let people have their time to speak, then show them you have heard them and understand.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
What does recovery really look like?
Accepting our emotions as God given is part of self-Love. Emotions are not character defects.
However, character defects are an attempt to box up or relieve our emotional condition when we
are uncomfortable or afraid.
Learn to do the fourth step fear list and then ask God to remove the fears.
Journal, journal, journal, and journal.
12 step work will not heal you. It takes deeper emotional work. Addicts need empathic therapy.
If your therapist is not showing you how to release emotions well, put it this way, intellect
is the enemy of emotional health. Our hearts do not have to make sense or be logical they
just need to be expressed and heard, loved and accepted, validated and comforted, relating is
the key to healing.
Intellect is why we shut down our emotions.
Save our ass or save our face?
Don’t be afraid to say you’re afraid. Fear is a natural reaction. Every feeling is valid and comes
from a place of truth. Embrace the storm of emotions. The longer we push our emotions away
the longer they will gnaw at us. Speak your heart grasshopped. Speak your heart and the
Truth Will Set you free.